What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 01:19
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Would you date/marry a guy younger than you? If no, why not?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And i lived it daily.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
What do most wives fantasize about?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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I waited trembling.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She wouldn,t have been !
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What should every American know before traveling to the UK?
We were not on the streets..
When she asked me how she looked .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It was going to be , some day.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I will be 64.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I write beautiful poetry .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was very sick at this time too.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Put me off passion for life!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was seconnd youngest,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
She found it foreign!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
All the time i was locked up.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ive learnt so much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I said to her
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i do to all so called friends.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was in good health!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was 9 years of age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We all went to grammer schools
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But, we were locked up after school.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My family never makes their pension either.
She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Would this be the day?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Who then, do I blame.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
What did i know ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She married twice! .
I have no regrets .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He knew the spot.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was scared of men, in general
I couldn’t, believe it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So, i spoilt her more .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it wasn’t much.